Tomás Ford's Idea Of Fun

by Tomás Ford

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1.
03:20
2.
3.
4.
5.

about

Following Five Times, I found that people were getting the wrong impression of me from my recordings. So I maxed out the fun factor for four tracks and added Petrosex's ludicrous booty bass remix of my previous single.

credits

released September 13, 2007

Written, Recorded, Mixed and Mastered by Tomás Ford, 2007. Additional remix and production on 5. by Petro Vouris.

license

Some rights reserved. Please refer to individual track pages for license info.

tags

Track Name: Pup Culture
I've been cheated by you.
Track Name: Big Night Out In Rockingham (Tomás Ford Goes Shoplifting In Trax Version)
We sit in my lounge room.

9PM. Friday night. Bored as fuck.

There’s nothing going on.

“Where we gonna go?” “Out.”

We stand up, head to the cars.

The merits of each club are debated.

This one’s sleazy This one’s rap

This one’s tacky And that’s just crap

I think seriously on the possibility of dancing at 2AM to bootylicious, undulating, dry rooting R&B...

I stop thinking.

The general consensus is that “tacky” is the best of our four options.

Plus we know the promotions guy there, so we might be able to scab ourselves some free drinks.

We crank up the car stereo and wank our way there.

On arrival at the club we are greeted by a smiling bouncer who remembers us.

Oh shit.

We’re regulars.

I’ve never been so embarrassed.

I look around.

While I’m here, I may as well get me some sex...

Having spent the entire night in the pursuit of sexual gratification, it is somewhat disappointing to find my only offer is from a woman named Angie, who is aged at a youthful 42.

“Fuck that for a joke.”

I wish I wouldn’t take myself so literally.

Nobody ever laughs anyway.

Half way home I call Angie a taxi on my mobile and dump her at the shopping centre.

The very thought of what could have occurred sends chills up my spine.

As I drive away, she screams horrible insults at me and I think of immature comebacks I’ll never use.

I get home and wander what happened to my friends.

Probably fucking.

Fuckwits.

I open the door and switch on the light.

It doesn’t come on, and the others behave in pretty much the same way.

It’s almost as if a thief has come into the house and taken only the light bulbs.

My body, without consulting me, decides that seeing as though I’m tired,

I

may

as

well

sleep

on

the

floor.

I arrive there with a THUD.


I wake up at dawn with the sun shining through the flyscreen and right into my eyes.

There’s a puddle of saliva sticking my face to the floorboards.

I stand up and head for bed.
Track Name: I'm Retarding You
Well, this is like Jamster™ The Live Show
Playing out my future ringtones
I'm why people hated disco.

Play my elevator electro
Jacking off my outsized ego
With you all numb from too much alcohol.

I'M RETARDING YOU.
I'M NOT PROVOKING THOUGHT.
I'M JUST PROVOKING YOU.
OH YEAH, I'M RETARDING YOU.

Come on and I'll teach you to act slow
Just ignore what you don't know
And boogie down in my front row.

Let's all pretend like we're so cool
When all this looks like is a high school
When the irony's over, you'll be a tool.

(repeat chorus)

You need to get down
Or step the fuck up

(massive, earthshaking breakdown)

(repeat chorus x2)

Waoh-wohw.
Track Name: Loudspeeka (Tomás Ford's Longspeeka)
LOUDSPEEKA sends an ear bomb as a covert saw synth stab
happy sunny sound suckers steal any beat/bass candy they can grab
if they're gonna blow their ears at least the caning will come from this DJ
back at home they find their drone-laced lollies mean they can't hear each other say
"Awwww, we wanted that last tune to crystalise a never ending hoedown..."

LOUDSPEEKA sends an ear bomb as a covert saw synth stab
happy sunny sound suckers steal any beat/bass candy they can grab
if they're gonna blow their ears at least the caning will come from this DJ
"...instead our ears bleed tension in a one note whine drone breakdown..."

Booty shake that booty shake that booty booty booty cutie cutie (x3)
can you handle it can you handle it now?

BASS thru ya TWEETA
GULP by tha LITRE
there ain't no sound SWEETA
than from this loudSPEEKA
at the end of the night you leave tha DANCEFLOOR
you've caned yo'self but ya still want MORE
sudden realization as you get to tha DOOR
that yo' earz iz buzzin' coz da lobez iz SORE
PERMANENT DAMAGE
this you know iz tru
YOU CAN'T HEAR SHIT
when I talk 2 u
I tried to tell u but i can't get thru
won't be able ta sleep when u go 2 bed
all da WHEEEE WHEEEE WHEEEE fukkin' wid' yo head
addin' to da feelin' that you wish you woz dead
SHOULDA GONE 2 DA MOVIEZ INSTEAD!!!

Bleeding the tension
Bleeding the tension
Bleeding the tension
Bleeding the tension
Bleeding the tension
Bleeding the tension"

Booty shake that booty shake that booty booty booty cutie cutie (x3)
can you handle it can you handle it now?
Track Name: Five Times (Petrosex Booty Bass Remix)
You look scared but I've only ever hurt someone five times
And that was only an accident
And that just might be a lie
but I know exactly what I'm doing with you

Is this a bad time to mention that I don't have no insurance?
but I don't think it will matter
What do you think could go wrong?
You know I have your best interests at heart

You paying attention?
I wouldn't wanna up my average

You look real scared but I've only ever hurt someone five times
And then I drove him to hospital
Oh yeah, I bought him a drink
And then I even signed his casts

I should mention that the cunt wasn't paying attention
But you're paying attention, yeah?
Well I should hope that you are
You wouldn't want me on your arse

You paying attention?
I wouldn't wanna up my average

You look scared...

Broke his wrists with my fists
Smashed his lips now he lisps
After three he hit me
So for four I broke his jaw
Crushed his skull to the floor
Got to five pulled a knife
cops arrived I'm surprised
and he's running for his life
and I'm running for his life
yeah, you better run

You look scared but I've only ever hurt someone five times
And it was no accident
I'm full of rage and lies
And I know exactly what I'm doing with you...